Sunday, March 26, 2006

Overcoming Reluctance


I bought new shoes, yesterday. I've been needing a few pair for work for a while, but have been reluctant to buy any. I'm very terrified of spending money on myself for necessary items. In fact, the more necessary the item, the more terrified I am of purchasing it. And my "will not tolerate any clothing item which costs more than this" price point is unrealistically low: $20. I've recently upped it to $30. Y'know - inflations

Here's how it usually goes:

  • Molly realizes she needs some new item of clothing because her old ones are wearing thing, are otherwise too damaged, or are hopelessly stuck in 1985.
  • She frets over this for weeks while her clothing items wear even more thin and she really doesn't have any choice.
  • She goes to thrift shop and doesn't find what she's looking for - at least nothing that doesn't have a hole in it or a stain on it or that is in her size.
  • She goes to a consignment shop and doesn't find anything that looks like it's appropriate for anyone under 50.
  • She goes home and complains to Honey that she can't find the clothing item(s) she needs.
  • Honey gets exasperated and tells her to just go to a freakin' store and buy what she needs because he doesn't understand why she won't go spend the money she needs to buy the clothing item(s) she needs
  • Molly finally breaks down and spends a day shopping in which she purchases basically what she needs - ie, if she needed another 3 skirts, she got one - but finds that she spent most of her time in the clearance section because she was afraid to spend another $35 - $50 per clothing item that she really went shopping for in the first place. So, she ends up bringing home some bargains that are great, but she can't wear for another 6 months when they're appropriate for the weather. I am the queen of bringing home 10 tank tops in December when what I really desperately needed in a bad, bad way were 5 sweaters.

But not this time!! This time I needed at least two pair of office worthy shoes and I got them. AND I even paid full price for one pair. And for the first time in a long time, the shoes I tried on felt comfortable, because I decided to disallow myself to visit Payless. Payless is fine, but let's face it: If you have a bad back like mine, flat arches and are basically a wuss, they don't have shoes that allow you to comfortably withstand 12 hours. And I end up having to spend another $15 on a replacement pair every few months or so because they fall to crap so quickly. Why not just pop the $60 now for shoes that will not make me want to kill myself by 3PM, and which might just still look decent in another year and not all scuffy gross?

I was still proud of my thrift, though. I bought 3 pair shoes for just under $115. Two pair were on sale, and one were the most comfortable shoes I'd ever put on in my life. I may actually begin to purchase from that brand more. Honey has several of their pair, which I've never been able to justify to myself for $80/pop. But after buying this pair - it might be worth it. My feet have never felt more loved!

Thriftiness is good, but if all it does is simply give me shabby crap that doesn't hold up, then it's not thriftiness at all. It's mere shortsighted cheapness. Just like the US avoiding spending $1B in levy repairs and upgrades pre-Katrina was cheap and ultimately cost us $30B in damages. I will no longer be deluded by the illusion of immediate savings. $60 on a pair of shoes may end up saving me tons of pain in the long run.

Monday, March 20, 2006

The Dread of Happiness

Any day that I wake up is a good day, really. It's better than the alternative, so far as I can see. And in less than 100 days I will be turning 30 years old. Thirty.

30

When I was a kid, I used to love every year that I got older. And until a year or two ago, I was still unashamed of my age. In all fairness, I should still be happy, elated with each birthday. Not everyone makes it this far. Had I been born in a third world country or in some other far less fortunate situation, I may have died in infancy or y'know ... lost my adult set of teeth by the time I was 23. But I'm healthy and I live in the wealthiest nation on the planet. Thirty isn't just attainable, it's expected.

But I'm dreading it. I dreaded 20, some. Not like I dread this birthday, but ultimately for the same reasons. I have not accomplished what I thought I ought to have. This time what scares me is that not only do I feel like I have not accomplished what I thought I ought, I fear I have not accomplished what everyone else feels I ought. I'm going to be thirty years old, and I've only ever held entry level jobs. I'm an expert at being a "go-to" "do-this-for-me" assistant. I'm smarter than that, but frankly I really don't know how to promote myself beyond that. I don't know how to thrust myself higher. Sadly - though I do feel like my current job is a step in the right direction for me and will open other doors - I worry sometimes that I lack the confidence it takes to move beyond entry level assistant type positions. The only thing that I've done that everyone else (y'know, social expectations) supposes I ought, is gotten married.

The grand irony of that is that that is the one thing that at 20 I never anticipated I'd do - at least not before I was 30. Frankly, marriage is one of those social expectations I decided to ignore by the time I was 16. Who wants to be defined in a society solely by her relationship to a man? Men are no so defined. Why should I be. The only reason I am married is because Honey and I are positively silly over each other - even when we want to kill eachother. Had Honey never emerged in my live, I suppose I'd still be single and probably okay with that. I'm okay with being married. I'm okay with being childless. I'm okay with being a grad student. I'm not okay with reaching 30 on my nominally third or fourth entry level job. I'm scared. And I'm embarassed. Embarassed mostly because this part of the country requires that you have a career plan and that you be defined by it and motivated only by it. Scared because I do want a career, but my motivations are ... just to be happy. And how elusive is that?

I will be happy to have reached 30, but God do I want my 30s to be far more productive than the last decade!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

while it's on my mind ...

Honey sent me this link a few days ago. I thought it was kind of neat. I don't know what kind of video blahblahblah you need to view it with, but it should just stream on for you. Enjoy the live Simpsons intro!

yyeeeah, thanks ... but you're scary.

I had a show last night. Considering I hadn't practiced or performed in about 3 weeks, I think it went very well. (I probably needed the break to shake me out of a rut.) Anyway, after the show, an audience member and his girlfriend approach me. He had a sort of young Christopher Lloyd "Reverend Jim" from Taxi vibe about him. His swedish beauty barbie girlfriend just stood silently while he ranted to me. He wanted to know about my performance style, inspirations, educational background yadda, yadda and he thought I was really great and had a certain je ne se quois (sic) (and not his words) that set me apart from my cohorts onstage. I thanked him for his interest, explained that it's really late, and it's after a show and I'm really living in a sudafed haze right now, so ... and it basically takes a while to get rid of him.

I'm of two minds. One, I'm ALWAYS flattered and very humbled when an audience member enjoys a performance of mine. Compliments are always appreciated. So I'm particularly flattered that this guy thought so much of my performance that he waited around until after most of the audience had left. AND that he thought I was talented enough that I should pursue this as a career.

On the other hand, it was pretty clear that he was in some chemically altered state, and that has to make me question the sincerity of his compliment, for one. But for another, it really made him not terribly pleasant to banter with. Granted, I'm not that great at banter with strangers whenever they're the ones who initiate. (Hmm. That's something I just realized as I typed it. I should probably ponder that sometime and work on it.) However, this guy kind of wavering and reaching for words - and insisting I incoporate something he specifically prefers into an act - really, really made me wish a more sane person had granted me kudos. Does that make me an ingrate?

Thanks for the compliment, man! Now, please: go sleep it off!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Stupid Posting

Does anyone know why my last post isn't showing up on my opening page? I type in my blogspot address, and it takes me to my March 5 post. However, if I go to archives and click on March 2006, it'll take me to my most recent post. Why isn't my most recent post showing up on blog front page, as it were? This is so frustrating!

Friday, March 10, 2006

What is this tagging business?

I visited Virginia Gal's blog the other day and she had some brief survey of herself which she then said she had "tagged" me with. However, she never sent me a note saying as much so I probably wouldn't have known it had I not visited her blog. So, I suppose it's really she who has a tag and it is up to me to visit her tag to see if my name is on it. Oh, well so here goes, I suppose:
FIVE RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME

1. If, when walking along a sidewalk, I feel like one foot has led stepping over cracks too much, I'll change my stride so that the other foot gets the chance to lead.

2. Sausage pizza grosses me out.

3. I love the non-elastic skin and tawny liver spots on old peoples' hands - especially my mother's and grandmother's.

4. I wish I had a singular passion in life - other than loving my family - that people could look at and say, "oh yeah, Molly loves to do this more than anything." Y'know, something that identifies me in a way; separates me from the background noise of all the other boring, middle class white folks in America.

5. I worry everyone I know and/or love secretly believes I'm incompetent, a dullard and just generally uninteresting and overrated.

I don't know if I'm supposed to "tag" others. I don't think many people read this. But I'll just list some folks whom I think might respond or about whom I'd be interested in reading 5 random things. Nubiantemptres43, VegasJoe, Fotographic Overlord, churchgal and any reader named Niamh: you're it!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Madame Molly Makes Predictions

Tonight's the night I don one of the few formal dresses that still fits - a red bridesmaid dress - make myself some cheap ripoff of a cocktail (no amaretto in the house? chocolate syrup will do) and coerce Honey to watch at least the first hour of the shallow, self-congragtulatory pretty dresses parade that is the Academy Awards. What can I say? I'm a sucker for pomp and pageantry - I cry at every Olympic opening ceremony, even the ones I don't watch, like this year's. I've tried to inculcate the little girls next door into my annual hollywood-cult ceremony, but aside from the pretty dresses, they don't seem to be that excited about the prospect of stirring music accompanying schmaltzy, weepy thank you speeches. And frankly, the younger one isn't all impressed with the pretty dresses. (She's the one who turned down our invite to the local St. Patty's day parade yesterday on account of there being no promise of chairs, warm weather nor brevity. Her loss. We got CANDY!)

Just like 10,000,000 other people on the web or in the world, I thought I'd make some guesses as to the winners of tonight's botox, saline and collagen sponsored event. Truthfully, I've only seen one of the best picture noms, and two of the best documentary noms. But that's never stopped me before, and also, since I've been getting bags under my eyes for this show since I was 5, I kind of know what the academy likes. (Hint: if you're a woman and over 35, you'd better be nominated for some big time "oh the humanity" role, or else, your night will "just be an honor to be nominated" night. Oscar likes young breasts.) Without further ado, here are my guesses, category at a time:

Best Actor: Phillip Seymour Hoffman. True, I'm making this prediction because he is one of the many actors I'm in love with, but also he's been getting good buzz, he's a little pre-due for it, and Oscar seems to like to reward accent-actors before they're due. Possible win: Joaquin Phoenix; Surprise win: Terrance Howard.

Supporting Actor: Matt Dillon. Crash has to win something, I think it's a good contender for best picture just because again, seems to be popular, but it could be that Academy members wanted to ensure it got something in case the Brokeback juggernaut crushed it. Possible win: Clooney; Surprise win: William Hurt. Super-surprise "we feel guilty about last year" win: Paul Giamatti.

Best Actress: Reese Witherspoon. She's been racking it up elsewhere. Her only real competition is Felicity Huffman. And she's just the right age: 30. Oh, yeah, and she's pretty talented on the whole. Possible win: Felicity Huffman; Surprise win: Judi Dench.

Best Supporting Actress: Michelle Williams. Hers was the one performance that I consistently loved in Brokeback. Heath was great, but I felt Michelle's agony more than his. He carried pain and isolation, but she knew his secret and never confronted him. This is the hardest category for me to call, simply because I have total girl crushes on the other nominees - except for Amy Adams, and that's only because I'm unfamiliar with her work. Each of these actresses have either in the past, or in their nominated roles have proven that they are unwaveringly committed to the action in the scene, to the moment. Even when the movie they're in blows donkey balls. But I think it's Michelle's night. Possible win: Amy Adams; Surprise win: Frances Mc-freakinggoddess-Dormand.

Animated Feature: Wallace and Gromit In the Curse of the Were Rabbit. This was the only of these nominees I saw, but it was genuinely good. And more importantly, it's made the best of 2005 lists of many a critic. As great as I'm sure Corpse Bride was, the only other possibility in this is Howl's Moving Castle, simply because it looks awesome and because the Academy seems to like anime and Miyazaki.

Art Direction: King Kong. Kong is going to get something, but only something technical, so why not this? Plus, I have to admit, Kong was a complete visual treat, from Anne Darrow's cloche hat to the scar above Kong's eye. Though frankly, with the exception of Pride and Prejudice, the others look pretty darn pretty to look at, too. What I've seen of the brit-flick basically looks like soggy bogs and lots of fog. Gee. How romantic.

Cinematography: Brokeback Mountain. Classic beautiful sweeping vistas, always a crowd pleaser. Other possible winner: Goodnight and Good Luck - lots of smoky rooms, and black and white is always nice.

Costume: Memoirs of a Geisha. Period piece, non-western culture - seems to be a winner. Other possibility is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, they did a good job of making costumes overwhelming where necessary and understated where necessary. Plus, that was a damn cool orthodontic creepy helmet. This is one of my favorite technical categories. I LOVE costume design!

Directing: Ang Lee. He aptly captured the relaxed pace of life in the West and the meditative quality of the outdoors out there, without making it boring. Having never lived my life as a gay cowboy, I can't say if he captured the lonlieness of that, but damn, Ennis' trailer at the end of the movie - if that ain't lonely, what is? Possible win: Paul Haggis; Surprise win: Steven Spielberg.

Documentary Feature: Darwin's Nightmare. Any film about how we're ruining the planet is a good bet, but throw in the aspect of how we're doing that is also perpetuating bloody civil wars in Africa and toss in an adorable young prostitute who we love and who is then brutally murdered, and you've got yourself and Oscar. I'm really eager to see this one. Possible win: Enron - The Smartest Guys in the Room; Surprise win: Murderball (saw it last night - great!)

Documentary Short: God Sleeps in Rwanda. Mostly because Hotel Rwanda didn't win a few years ago. And it's still pretty fresh on Academy voters' minds. Possible win: Mushroom Club. Both movies are about post-war devestation fall out; both Oscar attractive.

Film Editing: Munich. Mostly because it has to win something and I know nothing about editing. Possible win: Crash.

Foreign Language Film: Joyeux Noel. Because in this time of war, we want to believe that for one day, at least, we can set aside our guns and celebrate our commonalities. Possible win: (And I hope this, just because i'm in love with South Africa!) Tsotsi; Surprise win: Pardise Now (but it would be a HUGE surprise.)

Make Up: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was amazing how they got Liam Neeson to look like a real lion! Possible win: Revenge of the Sith.

Musical Score: Constant Garder. Just because. I've only heard the score from Brokeback. It's good, but it may be too sparse.

Song: "Hard Out Here for a Pimp." Because it's infectious, and the academy is probably ready to trim off some white crusts a little. Heck didn't Eminem win for the song from 8 Mile a few years back? Why not, eh?

Animated Short: The Moon and the Son - An Imagined Conversation. Just taking a random guess here.

Alright, this is getting too long, so I'm going to cut to the chase and give my predictions for the last three ones I like the most:

Best Screenplay Adapted: Brokeback Mountaint. Everyone seems to be so impressed how a feature length movie has stayed pretty darned true to an 11 page story. Possible win: History of Violence.

Best Screenplay Original: Syriana or Crash. Both are critically acclaimed. The former speaks to an angry political sense of a lot of people and academy votres, and the latter is a story about L.A. which academy types have to love. Possible win: The Squid and the Whale; Surprise win: Matchpoint.

BEST PICTURE!!: Brokeback Mountain. It's the one to beat this year. And while Crash may have more actual relevance in the lives of movie viewers and academy voters - My God! Confronting the daily racisms we act like we're over; how dare they?! - the story of a pair of gay cowboys is both on the edge of current phobia breaking and is fairly unexpected in today's age. Gay? Sure. Gay AND a cowboy? Whoa! Further prediction: in 15 years, we'll've had so many gay-"unexpected category" movies that even though homophobia won't be eradicated in the US, but rather subverted the way many racisms are today, any film that confronts the subversion of the still hurtful homophobia will be admired, but will be tossed aside to make way for whatever the cause du jour is. Possible win: Crash. (Frankly, rooting for it, though I haven't seen it.) Surprise win: Any of the remaining 3; particularly Munich. Any film that is blasted by conservative Jewish groups for being anti-semitic and is equally reviled by Arab groups for being anti-Muslim Palestinian is first and foremost a must-see, but also a sure loser. Seems to have a rep as one of those movies that questions the moral legitimacy of too many people to make anyone happy. No easy good guy or bad guy. That means no Oscar.

Have fun watching Jon Stewart swing it tonight!




Thursday, March 02, 2006

Molly makes the train

It's taking me a while to get used to my new work schedule and commute. I'm enjoying what I do enough that staying past 6 doesn't feel like a punishment at all. In fact, I like it. But the best bus to get me home leaves directly at 6:15, a few blocks from my office. I worry that I looked like a hustle-butt this evening. I don't want to give the impression at my new job that I'm a clock watcher. (I've had clock-watching jobs, and this is not one of them!) But, by the same token, I'd like to make my bus, and get home in time to have a few quality minutes with my man and my dog. I'm sure I'll find a rythm, soon. Plus, in a few weeks, when things really kick into gear, I know I'll be putting in a LOT of late nights. Though I hope we have our act together enough that those nights are not frequent. I ended up having to take the subway for about 4 or 5 stops. Thanks for the iPod tip, JoeinVegas. I plugged in and let Michael Stipe and the boys serenade me away from the cloying tunnels. Of course, it did help that I didn't get on a train before 6:30, so the rush hour crowd had thinned out sufficiently. But we'll just be proud of myself for being so comfortable on the cluttered train, tonight.

In the meantime ... Happy Texas Independence Day to my Lone Star friends and family.
Pop open a Shiner, if you're so inclined, or a Dr Pepper, if you're Baptist and drink up to the old republic! In honor of the holiday, I'll do a brief list of some of my favorite things about Texas:
- carbonated beverages are all called "cokes" regardless of brand
- home of the longest school bus route in the US
- Robert Earl Keene, Dixie Chicks, Willie Nelson, Tommy Lee Jones, Mike Judge, Richard Linklater, the Hank Hill family
- Dell, NASA, Whole Foods Market, Continental Airlines, Southwest Airlines
- geology ranging from desert mountain to piney woods, to sandy beaches to grain-bearing plains
- George W Bush wasn't actually born there (YEA!)
- Austin public schools derive 30% of their electricty from wind power, making them one of the 25 most environmentally energy conscientious businesses or organizations in the U.S. according to some group or other
- dancing the Cotton Eyed Joe at weddings and school dances. And that ain't bull-shit!