Overcoming Reluctance

I bought new shoes, yesterday. I've been needing a few pair for work for a while, but have been reluctant to buy any. I'm very terrified of spending money on myself for necessary items. In fact, the more necessary the item, the more terrified I am of purchasing it. And my "will not tolerate any clothing item which costs more than this" price point is unrealistically low: $20. I've recently upped it to $30. Y'know - inflations

Here's how it usually goes:

• Molly realizes she needs some new item of clothing because her old ones are wearing thing, are otherwise too damaged, or are hopelessly stuck in 1985.
• She frets over this for weeks while her clothing items wear even more thin and she really doesn't have any choice.
• She goes to thrift shop and doesn't find what she's looking for - at least nothing that doesn't have a hole in it or a stain on it or that is in her size.
• She goes to a consignment shop and doesn't find anything that looks like it's appropriate for anyone under 50.
• She goes home and complains to Honey that she can't find the clothing item(s) she needs.
• Honey gets exasperated and tells her to just go to a freakin' store and buy what she needs because he doesn't understand why she won't go spend the money she needs to buy the clothing item(s) she needs
• Molly finally breaks down and spends a day shopping in which she purchases basically what she needs - ie, if she needed another 3 skirts, she got one - but finds that she spent most of her time in the clearance section because she was afraid to spend another $35 - $50 per clothing item that she really went shopping for in the first place. So, she ends up bringing home some bargains that are great, but she can't wear for another 6 months when they're appropriate for the weather. I am the queen of bringing home 10 tank tops in December when what I really desperately needed in a bad, bad way were 5 sweaters.

But not this time!! This time I needed at least two pair of office worthy shoes and I got them. AND I even paid full price for one pair. And for the first time in a long time, the shoes I tried on felt comfortable, because I decided to disallow myself to visit Payless. Payless is fine, but let's face it: If you have a bad back like mine, flat arches and are basically a wuss, they don't have shoes that allow you to comfortably withstand 12 hours. And I end up having to spend another $15 on a replacement pair every few months or so because they fall to crap so quickly. Why not just pop the $60 now for shoes that will not make me want to kill myself by 3PM, and which might just still look decent in another year and not all scuffy gross?

I was still proud of my thrift, though. I bought 3 pair shoes for just under $115. Two pair were on sale, and one were the most comfortable shoes I'd ever put on in my life. I may actually begin to purchase from that brand more. Honey has several of their pair, which I've never been able to justify to myself for $80/pop. But after buying this pair - it might be worth it. My feet have never felt more loved!

Thriftiness is good, but if all it does is simply give me shabby crap that doesn't hold up, then it's not thriftiness at all. It's mere shortsighted cheapness. Just like the US avoiding spending $1B in levy repairs and upgrades pre-Katrina was cheap and ultimately cost us $30B in damages. I will no longer be deluded by the illusion of immediate savings. $60 on a pair of shoes may end up saving me tons of pain in the long run.

The Dread of Happiness

Any day that I wake up is a good day, really. It's better than the alternative, so far as I can see. And in less than 100 days I will be turning 30 years old. Thirty.

30

When I was a kid, I used to love every year that I got older. And until a year or two ago, I was still unashamed of my age. In all fairness, I should still be happy, elated with each birthday. Not everyone makes it this far. Had I been born in a third world country or in some other far less fortunate situation, I may have died in infancy or y'know ... lost my adult set of teeth by the time I was 23. But I'm healthy and I live in the wealthiest nation on the planet. Thirty isn't just attainable, it's expected.

But I'm dreading it. I dreaded 20, some. Not like I dread this birthday, but ultimately for the same reasons. I have not accomplished what I thought I ought to have. This time what scares me is that not only do I feel like I have not accomplished what I thought I ought, I fear I have not accomplished what everyone else feels I ought. I'm going to be thirty years old, and I've only ever held entry level jobs. I'm an expert at being a "go-to" "do-this-for-me" assistant. I'm smarter than that, but frankly I really don't know how to promote myself beyond that. I don't know how to thrust myself higher. Sadly - though I do feel like my current job is a step in the right direction for me and will open other doors - I worry sometimes that I lack the confidence it takes to move beyond entry level assistant type positions. The only thing that I've done that everyone else (y'know, social expectations) supposes I ought, is gotten married.

The grand irony of that is that that is the one thing that at 20 I never anticipated I'd do - at least not before I was 30. Frankly, marriage is one of those social expectations I decided to ignore by the time I was 16. Who wants to be defined in a society solely by her relationship to a man? Men are no so defined. Why should I be. The only reason I am married is because Honey and I are positively silly over each other - even when we want to kill eachother. Had Honey never emerged in my live, I suppose I'd still be single and probably okay with that. I'm okay with being married. I'm okay with being childless. I'm okay with being a grad student. I'm not okay with reaching 30 on my nominally third or fourth entry level job. I'm scared. And I'm embarassed. Embarassed mostly because this part of the country requires that you have a career plan and that you be defined by it and motivated only by it. Scared because I do want a career, but my motivations are ... just to be happy. And how elusive is that?

I will be happy to have reached 30, but God do I want my 30s to be far more productive than the last decade!

while it's on my mind ...

Honey sent me this link a few days ago. I thought it was kind of neat. I don't know what kind of video blahblahblah you need to view it with, but it should just stream on for you. Enjoy the live Simpsons intro!