Monday, June 09, 2008

Apropos of nothing. In fact, inappropriate

WARNING: If you're easily offended by bodily functions and non-medical/clinical discussions thereof, then it may be better for you to check out another blog.

Alright, so tonight I should be writing content which may or may not be used in collateral to be distributed at a fundraiser I hope to attend this weekend, but haven't really delved far into my wallet to see what kind of coin I can afford to part with these days. Yesterday I attended a baby dedication for a friend (or rather, for his baby) at a Unitarian church where I had several years previous, attended a memorial service for a former coworker, and I had been planning to blog on religion, ritual and variations on the theme. However, musings on religious expression will have to wait, and before I proceed with my writing assignment tonight, I simply must share with the few of you who read this what simultaneously turned my stomach and tickled my funny bone (all foreshadowed puns intended) this evening.

Honey and I have been watching The Tudors on iTunes; the first season anyway. It's totally as trashy as the website makes it out to be, but it's also got plastrin-front gowns! lutes! plague! Northam, Neill and Jonathan Rhys Meyers! Tonight, we watched the 10th (and I believe final) episode of season one. It opens with the young King Henry VIII masturbating into a cloth being held open by a servant-boy. I kid you not. I can't help but laugh just thinking about it!

The scene is awkward to say the very, very least. It cut away to shots of Anne Boleyn's heaving breasts and then back to the young king straining and whacking (all seen from the waist up). And just as the king came, we saw a closeup of Anne's delicate hands piercing a threaded needle through a piece of embroidery she was working on. Then, with the king spent, the servant, who had previously had his face maybe a foot from the royal junk and turned away (a wise choice in his position, I must admit), gets up, bows to the king, and holding the cloth slightly slack, leaves the room.

The way the scene played out, it seemed like Henry was working off some morning wood. Now, I have no idea if this was common practice for male monarchs to employ a manservant to accept his "kingliness," as it were. Though no history buff myself, per se, I place no faith in the historical accuracy of this series; I see it more as costume-drama porn set against the skeleton of historical events. All that said: what worse job could there be in the court than to be the Royal Jizz-catcher? Who did you have to piss of to get that assignment? I should hope that promotion was swift. My God! I'd much rather scrub the peasants' outhouses than have to spend each morning with my face inches from the sweaty scepter, praying that his aim was good. (Massive shudder!) I would be begging God every day for tuberculosis or the plague or leprosy to get me out of that job!

I was icked out by that for at least the first 5 minutes of the show. I wish I could tell you what transpired in those first five minutes, but I was temporarily blind. That's right: masturbation blinded me. All these years of the real stuff did nothing to my vision; seeing the staged version on TV blacked me out for five.

I apologize if I grossed anyone out. Mostly. This was just too weird and hilarious to keep to myself. ... I suppose it's discussing these sort of things that keeps be from being invited to posh places and events. This, and the fact that I'm not well-heeled.


mommanator said...

humm christian musings to jerking off, quite a difference in topic!
but kept me reading! teehee- I'm a sicko

Virginia Gal said...

That is not the final episode, the final episode of this year is with Anne's demise.

Next year they will start with Jane Seymour time period.

Sonnjea B said...

OMG, that's hysterical. I was a little worried, given your disclaimer, but it was hilarious. Thanks for sharing (which is something I'm sure the servant-boy never said to henry...)

Kate said...

Ok, first of all, I should have known that Va Gal would be an expert on the Tudors - so her kind of show!!

Hubby and I never got in to The Tudors, though he loved Rome. I was never allowed to watch it with him, though because he was too embarrassed to be enjoying it with all the sex and historical inaccuracies. It was sort of his Sex and the City (which I don't allow him to watch). HBO really knows how to sex up the beeb.

Hilarious post!

JoeinVegas said...

I haven't seen it, but I think it might be better than the morning chamber pot duty.

Rhonda said...

Being a royal ass wiper might be worse...although I have been changing diapers for 3 years now, so I think I will have to agree that Jizz Catcher would probably be the less desirable job.

Darla D said...

Oh, that is so, so funny! Let this be a lesson to us all, on those days when we just don't feel like going to work. :-)