Saturday, January 26, 2008

El trabajo del salvador en El Salvador

I talked to my parents last night.

My mom's cholesterol is coming down. Her blood pressure is stable.

Dad is going to El Savador.

WHAAA?!

Yeah. He's going next month for about a week with a Christian aid group that digs wells to bring fresh, clean water to poor, remote villages. This is nice and good, except for a couple of things:

1) My father has post-polio syndrome and can't walk a whole lot. He uses a cane, he tires easily. He's essentially a 61 year old man in the body of a 76 year old man. The group he's going with has assured Mom that they'll be in flat-ish land - better for digging wells - so it's not like he'll have to heft up slopes just to get to an outhouse.
2) It's EL SALVADOR!!

I keep thinking back to the handful of teenage boys my church provided refuge to as they passed through West Texas en route to DC and New York City, 17 years ago. They ranged in age from 14 (my age then) to 19. They fled door-to-door conscription by either the rebels or the government. I can't remember which. All I remember was that they were forced with an option: take the gun we're thrusting you, or we kill you.

I know technically, El Salvador has been "at peace" for the last 16 years, but it's a country where that peace is tenuous at best. And if some FARC-style faction attacks their group, my dad is not in the kind of physical condition where he could run or hide out in the jungle. Do they have FARC-style groups there? I hope not.

Dad won't be doing any well-digging. He's physically incapable. He won't be one of the educators who give hygiene classes, because his Spanish is merely conversational. In fact, he said when the group approached him - usually this organization sends teams of various folks, but this time the entire team is from his church - he declined for the above reasons. But they persisted, so he's gonna go and ... hang out. "Maybe they'll ask me to do something 'spiritual.' I dunno," he told me. The organization has sent been sending teams to build wells in tiny 3rd world villages for 20 years or so. They usually go to Africa, but have done a lot of work in Central and South America as well as Asia. The team-leads for Dad's group have done about 6, themselves. He'll be with a group of about 10. There's a liaison in the town with whom the group has been working, so it's not like the locals will be startled by a group of smiling Americans with shovels and soap. Everything about this trip sounds just great. It's the kind of thing I've always wanted to do, but have not yet had the chance to do. It's the kind of thing Dad used to do when he younger and abler. My brother used to do stuff like this in Mexico. Everything about it sounds find, except for the location.

Maybe I'm being too worried. When I was in college, at least once or twice a year, our church would send groups to Nicaragua to small towns to build churches and schools. (I was always working.) And one of Dad's good minister friends went to Nicaragua years ago to help clean up after Hurricane Mitch and discovered a hell of a lot of orphaned street boys. So he stayed and established a home and school for these kids whom society has abandoned. Heck, Honey and I got lost one night driving around in Johannesburg - and anyone will tell you that Joburg is the most dangerous city in South Africa, the carjack capital of the world. And we weren't with any organization. The point is, if people go into other countries which have suffered war and political upheaval, as aid workers or as tourists all the time with no troubles, then maybe I should just relax. At least Dad can speak the language. I know the children and old people in the village will love him. (Dad's always a hit with folks on either end of the age spectrum.)

Still, he's my poppa. And he's got physical limitations. And it's ... El Salvador. It's going to be a nerve-wracking week for me. I can tell you that!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Book Challenges and Blessings

Darla D is participating in another blogger's book challenge for 2008. I considered joining it, especially since I own some books by the authors in the category around which the challenge revolves. But then I thought, "wait a second here. How many books do I have in my personal library that I haven't read yet, or that I've gotten half-way through only to be distracted by schoolwork, performances, cupcakes, newspapers, a movie, a butterfly, or sleep?" I have plenty in that category.

Heck, I discovered one on the bottom shelf of my nightstand just the other day. I'd gotten about a third into it last year, when school started up and my nights were sacrificed to the thesis god. I just returned a book to the library yesterday that I took a break from to read another book. Had that book not been a library book - and not been about a health issue that I'm dealing with and trying to manage - there's a good possibility that that book would've migrated to the bottom shelf as well. I'm looking at a book right now that I just scored off of BookMooch.com. It's a follow up to a book I began 4 years ago on MLK weekend. I got a few chapters into it and school began, and the rest is history. Plus, it didn't help that I took it with me on vacation. It's hard for me to read on vacation, particularly if I'm visiting someplace new. And starting a book on vacation is almost a guarantee I won't finish it. I'd rather spend time with my family and friends or discovering the newness of the place. So, maybe I should go back to the original book and read it first? Hmm?

My reading challenge for 2008, then: read at least 10 books in my own library which I have not read at all, or which were sacrificed to some other distraction, earlier. ** Side note: I've often wondered if that's a character or intelligence flaw that I have, that I don't always finish books that I begin. Remember in grade school how educators and authority figures always kind of poo-poo people who don't finish what they start? But maybe that's as much an indictment of the writing. If the story itself, or storytelling, is not engaging enough for me to ignore the family or friends I'm visiting, or the sound of the surf, or the DVD special edition of The Big Lebowski that just came in the mail, then maybe that's not my fault. (Of course, I almost always finish what I start; it might just take me months or years to get interested in the activity enough again to complete it. Clearly, I'm not the industrious personality that built America.)

Another thing I'm trying to do for 2008 is be grateful. I think I become crabbier the older I get and the last thing I ever want to be is a grump or a curmudgeon. I want to be aware of my blessings, big and little.

Saturday, I was hefting a big box toward the post office to mail out. As I approached the pull-out door, a woman who was walking my direction, pulled open the door for me. I thanked her. She began to go inside, and I pushed open the push-indoor with my hip. "Oh, okay, you've got it," she said and smiled as she walked away. She wanted to help me all the way in to the post office, even though that's not where she was going. When I realized that, I couldn't help but smile and feel blessed. She was going out of her way to help me, a stranger! It's a little thing, but in an area where so few people thank you for holding open the door - and I am crabby about it - it stands out.

Last night, as I was lying in bed, falling asleep, I was listening to Honey breathing deeply. He's the kind who can fall asleep when his head hits the pillow. (Me: I always have a million thoughts competing for attention in my waning waking moments.) All I could think was how grateful I was for his health. I listened to him breathe in and I thanked God for his healthy lungs, for their ability to intake and process. Then I started praying thanks to God that he is healthy, that he is healthy now, that I have him now, that he has his health now. And it began to grow. I began to pray thanks for the health of others and for myself and for the time we all have here and all have together.

A good family friend of ours - her parents and mine are college buddies - lost her husband to a car wreck a couple of months ago, leaving her with a two-year-old. Since I learned of her loss a few weeks ago, I've been unable to feel anything but just sorrow for her. I can't even begin to imagine her grief right now. But last night, I was also thinking that she was very lucky to have had him when she did. I imagined the laughter they shared. This is not to minimize her grief and her loss, but I also thanked God for the time that she had with him, and of course, asked him to comfort her. That's probably what was the impetus for my impromptu thankfulness: death. A freelancer in my office yesterday learned that good friend of hers just lost a baby, a few hours after she gave brith. Again: unimaginable grief. How thankful I am that I have the people in my life and how they are in my life, for however long they are here!

We have to be thankful for what we have, when we have it; and for who is in our lives and how they are in our lives. I was thankful for Honey, in his current health, lying beside me. I will be thankful for him when he's ailing or decrepit. I will be thankful for him when he's gone. I thanked God for my current health, jagged as it is these days. I want to learn to be thankful if the jaggedness ever actually calcifies into something that affects my permanent health. I am who I am and I have what I have. I may as well be grateful.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Why I'm not worried about A**

I began to write this as a response to VirginiaGal's comment on my last post, but then I saw that I was going to ramble, so I figured I should turn it into a post.

From age 20 to 24, my brother dated a young woman we'll call A**. She was a sweet girl, not unlike other girls he'd dated before or since; two years his junior. She was really in love with him and he with her for a while. But my brother has always intended on getting married at some point in his life. And several months before they broke up, he took stock of their relationship and his feelings toward her. "No matter how hard I tried, Molly, I just couldn't picture myself married to her," he'd tell me. And even if he later decided to never marry, he felt it unfair to drag her along. Better to cut loose while they're both still young and can find other happiness than to drag it out into something that will eventually make both of them unhappy. (Side note: the brother of a friend of mine, in his early 30s, recently broke up with his girlfriend of a decade. He'd never wanted to marry; she did. He eventually pulled the plug about a year ago. Basically, he wasted 10 years of her time for something that only one of them wanted.)

Though I'm sorry she had her heart broken - and I know Bro was very sad himself for a while - I ultimately don't feel sorry for A**. Firstly, she's moved on to another boyfriend with whom she seems happy. Plus she and Bro have remained (amazingly) decent friends. Would it have been better if Bro had stayed with A**? She was a nice girl and he loved her, but it's possible to love someone and know they're not "the one," for dreadful lack of a better noun. You have to love someone fully. The person you marry should excite you mentally and spiritually as well as sexually. You have to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with this person. Is it fair to someone to partner with him/her when you know ultimately that you're not delivering the goods he/she needs or that you're not getting from him/her what you need? She didn't challenge him and didn't inspire him to be the best him he could be. With the current girlfriend, I see Bro becoming a more mature young man. He's developing new interests and returning to old interests. He's happier. It makes me happy. I don't know if A** has found her lifetime mate, but if and/or when she does, that person should inspire her to be the best A** she can be. Anything less would be a rip-off to both partners.

When I was in college, I remember seeing a video from a "relationship specialist" who claimed that the partner you spend the rest of your life with should inspire admiration in you, and you in the partner. I can't remember anything else in the video, but who the hell cares? He was right in that. It's possible to love other people, but I think mutual admiration is one of the key ingredients to that love that sustains couples through the slings and arrows of life. I loved some prior paramours, but lacked that mutual admiration. The same is probably true of Honey.

And it has to be symmetrical admiration. How many girls did I see in high school and college who were just over the moon about their boyfriends and their boyfriends just took them for granted? (Or vice-versa?) Should those boys have proposed to the girls because the girls loved them? Fast forward 20 years: who is happy in that relationship? I've seen these people in airports. The woman is very clearly miserable and the man is just engrossed in his crossword or sudoku (he turned off years ago) and nary a friendly glance is exchanged between them. And it's not just airport layover misery. You can smell marital disdain. Bro may have inspired A** to be a great person, but she didn't inspire him. And hopefully A** has found - or will find - the person who will inspire her to be not just great, but the best A** she can be.

My only hope for Bro is that his current girlfriend is as inspired by him as he is by her. I think she is.

From what I've experienced in my marriage, and from what I've witnessed in other relationships, choosing a mate isn't just about finding someone you love and you'd like to have children with. It's about who you want to not have children with as well. (Not every relationship produces offspring, whether by choice or chance. And even when they do, kids leave the nest, eventually. Who do you think you're gonna have to stare at for the remainder of the time?) It's about choosing a partner to weather the illnesses of your family members with, to weather your own illnesses with, to weather shitty jobs with, to weather personal depressions and downfalls with and even to weather periods of "why the hell did I get married" with? Hard times can bring resentment of one's partner even in the happiest of relationships. People can love each other, but if they don't love each other fully, or have that mutual admiration, then the resentment that arises from the hard times can turn into disdain, which can be outright poisonous. And of course, sadly, sometimes even the most stable and happy relationships crumble under the weight of outside sadness. But why stay with someone when you can smell the toxicity from down the road?

I really am sorry Bro broke A**'s heart a few years ago. Life is hard and only gets harder as we age. Staying with her would have caused her much, much more pain in the long run and would've made him sadder in the long run, too.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Looking ahead in my family

It's ten to ten, so let's see if I can whip this out before I want to brush my teeth and hit the hay.

Honey and I went over our anticipated finances for the coming year. I'm feeling much better about the year to come. I'm making more money in my current job than in my last, and Honey has gotten the standard yearly upward bump, so we're better in the piggy than I had thought. Of course, having spent my adolescence poor as a church mouse, I have a constant fear that we could sneeze and end up destitute. Not that that can't happen, but just that I doubt it will anytime soon. Whew!

Speaking of having enough money ... my little brother is probably going to propose to his girlfriend this year. They moved in together this past summer and he'd told me before then that he was sure she was "the one." They've been talking about it between themselves and agree. So I'm happy for him. Especially since she's so much smarter and more sophisticated than his prior interests. But the money part comes in here: he wants to get her a nice ring and is being pressured into the "two-months salary" propaganda that the wicked diamond industry has been snookering love-lorn guys with for years. His girlfriend is not materialistic (despite being well off - woohoo! Way to go, Bro!), so she doesn't care if he spends 2 - 3 months salary on her ring. But I think he's also finding that even if he doesn't cave to the bullshit amounts DeBeers and company guilts men into spending, rings which are something more than a skinny band with a diamond, are higher than $2K or so - the price range I suggested he look in. Anyway, my advice to him was that he should never let money be a reason not to get married. You're going to be with the same person forever, a ring is a ring and a wedding is only one day out of a lifetime (no matter how bloody kick-ass a day it is). I hope he listens. Poor boy, though. I understand the impulse to get something really spectacular for someone you think is really spectacular. A friend of ours had his wife's ring designed, so maybe I'll ask him who he used. I wonder if it would be cheaper to buy the diamond separately and then set it in another ring.

But then that got me thinking about social pressures, and I promise to blog on that more in the future, but it is now 10:03!! And I'm trying to be a good girl and get to bed at a decent hour this year.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Hola, 2008!

I'm exhausted and have to get up early for work, tomorrow, but I want to start the new year off right with a post.

First off: THANK GOD, WE'RE BACK IN AN EVEN NUMBERED YEAR! ... though I suck at math, I have a thing for easy patterns and even numbers, particularly even numbered years. I LOVE even numbered years. Maybe it's because even numbers represent symmetry, where odd numbers don't. eh ... I digress.

I hope everyone reading this enjoyed whatever manner they rang in the new year. We had a few friends over to play board games and switched on the TV to watch the ball drop a couple of minutes before the year rang in. Man, Carson Daly looked bad! Low-key and fun. I'm down with that.

I insisted that we have black-eyed peas for breakfast. Honey hates them, but he'll have a few forkfuls to appease me. It's the only time of the year he eats them. But that's okay; it's the only time it counts!

This afternoon, Honey and I went to the local movie theater. I assumed if we got there with 10 or 15 minutes to spare, we could get a good seat. After all, yesterday that was the case when I went to the same theater with a girlfriend. Not so much! We were in the second row and craned our necks to watch Juno. It was worth it, though. Fantastic movie. I highly recommend it. I laughed. I cried. I laughed and cried simultaneously. Come to think of it, that was a great movie to start a new year off with: it's all about birth and choices and hope. And the soundtrack was great. I think we'll buy the soundtrack, soon, and the movie when it comes out on DVD. It was so great. After an hour or so at the local IKEA on a (successful) hunt for a lamp, we ended the day with dinner with friends. It was the perfect way to close a day and begin a year.

So there's my boring day. I wish I had something profound to write, but I don't. I just needed to write at all. WRITE, WRITE, WRITE! I hope 2008 brings you and yours nothing but good fortune!