Along the lines of faith in God or lack thereof.
I feel like thus far my life has been pretty fortunate. Nonetheless, I've hit some rough waters in my life. Big disappointments. Close calls and trauma. Frankly, I've been on some choppy seas for the last two years; the toll this rough passage has taken on me is greater than I realize, really. The other day I was reading the blog of a woman who has been in similar seas to me, but her ride has been much choppier. She's a Christian and she's going through a crisis in faith right brought on by her struggle. She said she wondered if God was punishing her. And then I can't remember if she specifically said this, implied it, or if this was somewhere in the many, many responses she got: blaming God.
While I haven't wondered if God was punishing me for something since I was a little girl, I went through a phase in my teens where I was angry with God. That seems healthy. (Frankly, I believe in crises of faith.) But I can't ever remember blaming God for anything. I just don't feel it. Not when I've fallen into depression, not when 9/11 struck too close to home and not even in this murky voyage I'm bitterly muddling through. But everyone else does for misfortune that befalls them. So here's my question: Am I wrong? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me that even when I'm angry at God I don't lay blame on him?
There are only two reasons I can think of: One is that I ultimately see God as love, creation and the creative conscience of life, the universe and everything. And I can't blame love. Nor creation. And certainly not the all pervasive creative conscience. And the other is that I have never subscribed to the reward-and-punishment image of God. We weren't guaranteed an easy ride. It's just the nature of being human that tragedy in one or many forms will befall each of us. On top of that: if JESUS can't escape life without being crucified, why the hell do I think I'll get away with a free ride?
But even though my concept of God is more nebulous than the orthodox, I still feel a personal relationship with God. God is a part of my family and daily life. So shouldn't I blame him for things? As I blame other family members on occasion for things, shouldn't I also blame God? Isn't that human?
My cousin suffered his entire life and died from MD at age 20. I have no idea if he blamed God - if he did, he never ever expressed it. Quite the opposite actually. But I suspect he did. My dad had polio as a child and it has left him with a wobbly gait and a body that's easily 15 years more aged than his peers'. I don't know if he ever blamed God. I assume he must've at some point. I'm facing my own health issue right now and I pray a lot, but I don't find myself blaming God. And I know that lots of other people who face my issue - whether they overcome it or not - blame God. So why can't I?
I don't feel like I'm being punished at all. Not even karma for hooking up with my best friend's boyfriend in high school. I do feel a lot of injustice, but again, it doesn't feel karmic or punitive. It's mostly just jealousy that most people's bodies work properly. But shouldn't I feel punished? If I believe in a God with whom I have a personal relationship, does that mean I'm naive or blind for not blaming God for what's happening?
So there's the scoop of irony: I bitched about some people applying their stereotypes to people who believe in God, and yet I wonder if I'm flawed because I don't fit into the stereotype of a lot of people who believe in God. Man this fence chafes my hide!